


The demons in my head

by phangirl00



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Happy Ending, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Phanfiction, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, dan is 17 and phil is 21
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-28
Updated: 2017-04-28
Packaged: 2018-09-12 22:29:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9093238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phangirl00/pseuds/phangirl00
Summary: Dan runs away from his abusive parents and meets Phil in park in the middle of the night.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfic I've written and the first longer texts I've written in English so there might be flaws. I try to post new chapters every week, but I'm sure that there will be some delays.

People were staring at him, but who wouldn’t stare a teen who was crying his eyes out at a park bench in the middle of the night. 

Earlier that day Dan Howell had stuffed his backpack with clothes and left his home before his parents came home from work. He had no plan, but he knew that he had to get away from his parents. But now sitting on a bench in the middle of the cold December night, he thought that he should have planned this better, but he wasn’t going to go back home.

\--

Phil Lester was coming from a pub with his two friends Pj and Chris. They were planning to have just a couple of beers, because they hadn’t seen each other for a long time, but now at half past one in the morning and too many beers later they decided to call it a night and go back home.

''We need to do this more often'', Chris slurred. He was hanging on more sober Pj, who didn’t seem to be bothered about it.

Phil just hummed as an agreement and continued staring at the stars in the sky. They were walking through a nice little park, which was busier than he thought it would be. Soon they walked past a bench. Phil looked at the person who was sitting on it. A young looking boy with his head in his hands, it seemed like he was crying. Phil looked at Chris and Pj and they didn’t seem concerned.

''Hey guys, doesn’t he look quite young?'' He asked them with concern in his voice.

''I don’t know. Let’s continue walking, I’m tired'', Chris commented.  
''You two can go ahead, I’m just going to make sure that he’s okay'', Phil said and then he turned around and walked to the boy who was still crying.

''Hey kid, are you alright?'' He asked when he got closer. The boy lifted his head and looked at him with the most beautiful brown eyes Phil had ever seen. He got bags under his eyes and looked very tired.

''Yeah, I - I’m fine'', the boy said sobbing. ''I’m okay. You can go now back to your friends.''

''How old are you? And what’s your name''’ Phil ignored the boys last comment. He sat next to the brown haired boy.

''I’m 17, and my name is Dan, but why would you care. Just go already!'' He snapped. Couple of people stopped to stare at them.

''Hi Dan, I’m Phil. Nice to meet you'', Phil offered Dan his hand, but he slapped it away. Phil wasn’t going to give up easily. Why this kid was outside at this time alone. ''Do you parents know where you are? Are you lost? Do you have anywhere to stay?''

Dan grabbed his bag and stood up ''If you aren’t going to leave then I am.'' He was about to leave when a hand grabbed his and made him jump. Dan quickly pulled his own hand to his chest. He looked at the stranger, he had a black hair with a similar fringe to his, his eyes were bluer than the sky. ''Just leave me alone'', he whispered.

Phil let his hand fall next to him. ''Sorry, I just…''

''What? You just thought that it would completely fine to go to a stranger and just assume that they want your help or what ever you are offering right now!?'' Dan screamed to Phil. Few moments after he collapsed to the bench and started crying again. He pulled his legs to his chest and burrowed his face to his knees.

Phil didn’t want to bother the boy anymore, but he just couldn’t leave him there alone. ''I’m sorry. Do you have anywhere to go? I just - I can’t leave you here alone. You can come to mine for the night if you want'', he suggested.

Dan lifted his head from his knees and looked at the blue eyed man. He thinks for a while. Who even is this Phil guy? They had just met, he might even be a serial killer, who knows. But Dan had nothing to lose. No one would miss him even if he died, he had no friends, his parents would just be glad that he was gone. Fuck, even he himself would be happy to be dead, he wouldn’t have to suffer anymore.

''Fine', he said after a while ''I can go with you, but the first thing tomorrow morning, I’m going to leave and never see you again. Okay?''

''Okay!'' Phil agreed. He stood up and waited for Dan to come with him. ''I live quite near here, just couple of minutes.''

\--

Dan had followed Phil in silence. When they finally stopped, they were in front of a high building. Phil opened the door and kept the door open for Dan. They climbed the stairs to the second floor and Phil opened the door to his flat. 

''You can leave your bags to the living room. I’m sorry, but I don’t have a spare mattress, but do you think you could sleep on the sofa? I mean, I can sleep on the sofa and you can sleep in my bed if you want'', Phil rambled.

‘’No, no, it’s okay. I don’t want to be a burden’’, Dan said quietly and set his bag next to the sofa. Phil disappeared somewhere and Dan looked at the space where he would be spending his night. There was a TV in the corner with two different game consoles. There was couple of bookshelves with all kinds of nerdy nick-nacks. Phil soon came back with two pillows and blanket. 

''I know it’s not much, but it’s the least I can do'', Phil said looking at the sofa.

''It’s more than I deserve’’, Dan whispered. ''But goodnight and thanks. I might not be here when you wake up next morning, but don’t worry about me. Okay?''

''Okay, goodnight'', Phil said and then went to his own bedroom. He closed the door and changed his clothes. It’s almost three in the morning, but thankfully he it’s Saturday tomorrow and he doesn’t have anywhere to go. He lays on his back on his bed and tries to fall asleep, but his thoughts are on this mystery boy called Dan. Who is this boy and what has happened to him?

\--

Phil wakes up to screaming. He quickly jumps out of bed and runs to his living room to find sobbing Dan at the corner of the room. Phil slowly moves over to him but Dan instantly screams to him ''Stop! Don’t come near me, please!''

Phil backs off and sits on the floor keeping the distance. He looks at Dan who has pulled his legs to his chest. He keeps crying for a while until he stops. Phil looks at him and notices that he is only in his boxers and is shivering. Phil takes the blanket from the sofa and slowly approaches Dan. He doesn’t protest so Phil wraps the blanket around the skinny frame of his. He then notices large bruises all over his upper body and some cuts on his thighs. He then decided to wrap his arms around him and soon Dan leans into him and relaxes.

It’s okay, it’s okay'', Phil tells to the still shivering boy.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I kind of got excited and decided to write the next chapter right after the first one. So here it is!  
> This chapter has more about Dans past and has 2,2k words.

Dan wakes up in the arms of the man he met last night. First he is panicking, because he doesn’t remember how he ended up in this situation. And then he remembers it. He had one of those nightmares.

He has had them for years, they never were the same but always had the same theme. He was running away from his father who was like a monster chasing him, but no matter how fast he ran he didn’t seem to move anywhere and his father got closer and closer. Until everything went dark and he was in the middle of some forest. The trees were dark colored and tall, and somehow it felt like they were falling on Dan. He tried to get out of the forest, but it seemed like there was no escape.  
He had woken up screaming. He wanted those to end, but he didn’t know how to make them stop. He made his way in the corner of the room where he could see everything, so no one could make their way to him without him noticing.  
When he saw someone coming towards him, he first thought it was his father. But when he noticed it was just Phil, he relaxed a bit, because he knew that Phil wouldn’t do anything his father would.

He quickly dresses up and leaves from the flat, because he doesn’t want to cause anymore trouble for this sweet man, who had taken a complete stranger to his house. But before he get out of the front door he notices a chalkboard in the kitchen and decides to write a small note to it simply saying  _Thank you._  
Closing the door he wishes he never sees this man again.

\--

Phil wakes up with a sore back. He glances quickly around him and sees that Dan has already left. He’s little bit disappointed, because he’s worried about this boy who he only met last night. What has he gone through and why he was sitting on a bench in the middle of the night? Phil doesn’t think he will ever see him again, but hopes that everything will turn out good for him.  
He gathers the pillows and blanket and is about the leave the room when he notices black t-shirt on the ground. Dan must have left it. He picks it up and takes it to the washing machine.

He doesn’t do anything special that day, eats some cereal, watches couple of movies and in the afternoon he decides to play video games. But before he even starts, his phone rings in the kitchen. He hurries there and picks it up without watching who’s calling.

''Hello!'' He greets.

''Hey, it’s Pj. I’m just calling to ask how everything went yesterday? We didn’t see you after you went to that boy?'' Pj asks.

''Oh… Yeah, the boy, Dan, he was a wreck and it seemed like he didn’t have anywhere to stay the night so I offered him to come to mine and he agreed'' he sighs ''Everything went well, we both went to bed, but after a while I woke up to him screaming and went to him. He was really scared and stuff. And then I comforted him and we both soon fell asleep. And when I woke up this morning there was nothing left from him except for a little note on the chalkboard and his t-shirt.''

''Really? You took a stranger to your home? He could have been a murderer or rapist or something'', Pj gasps.

''Well, but I’m not that or anything so that’s good'', he jokes.

''You were just lucky. Please don’t bring any strangers to your home anymore.''

\--

The water looks so pretty beneath him. Dan is sitting on a bridge, swinging his legs and looking down at the flowing river. Everything would be so much better if he jumped.

Dan has been wandering through the city whole day. He wonders what his parents have thinked about when they couldn’t find their son anywhere. They probably get drunk and celebrated that they wouldn’t have to deal with him anymore. Dan didn’t understand why they even had him when they clearly never wanted kids. Everything was pretty okay until he turned five. Then something happened. His dad started drinking more and when he was drunk he started hitting Dan. He would always hit him in the stomach or somewhere else, but never in the face because no one could never find out what was happening in the Howells household. His mom never hit him, but she was horrible in other ways. She always made fun of him, about his hair, clothes or how skinny he was. Like he wouldn’t have enough bullies at school.  
School was like hell for Dan. He actually had couple of friends, but that didn’t last long, because when he was 13 he told his so called friends that he was gay. They didn’t take it very well and left him alone. They also told this to everyone at school and also his parents. This didn’t make his life any easier. His bullies called him names, threw him with things and especially when he got older they started to beat the shit out of him. And when he got home and his father saw what they had done to him at school, he just said that he deserved it for being a little fag and would beat him more. Some days he couldn’t even get out of bed because everything hurt so bad.  
Around the same time when he came out he stopped eating. He saw himself as a worthless, fat piece of shit and thought that if he lost some weight everything would be fine again, when in reality he was already all skin and bones.

Now he is sitting on a bridge and could end his misery in a blink of an eye. So why he doesn’t do it, it’s so easy. He just has to jump, nothing else. Like everyone says the world would be better place if he dies. But does he really want to jump?  
Just as he is loosening his grip on the rail he feels someones hand pulling him to the pavement. He lays there in his back eyes closed.

''Boy, what are you doing?'' He quickly opens his eyes and sees and an older man half-shouting above him. He’s about to stand up when it all hits him, he almost killed himself. And second later tears start to run from his eyes.

''I’m so sorry, I - I’m so sorry'', he’s now full on crying. The other man pulls him into a hug.

''Hey, calm down, everything's okay now'', the man tries to sooth him.

\--

After he had calmed down and thanked the man too many times, he started walking around the city thinking what the hell he’s going to do now. He can’t go home, he has no friends and he has never even met any of his relatives.

So now he’s in front of a brown door shivering, because it had started to rain and he didn’t have umbrella with him. He finally presses the buzzer and hears a faint click and pushes the door open. He walks couple flights of stairs and turns around a corner to face a another door. He knocks it twice and soon there in front of him stands very confused black haired man.

\--

After Pj had hung up Phil decided to take a small nap. After what felt like a minute he woke up to the buzzer. He quickly jumped out of bed and ran to the do the door and pressed the button which open the front door. He didn’t expect anyone, but thought that it would be Pj or Chris.  
After a couple of minutes there was a knocking on the door and he opened. He was completely shocked. In front of him stood Dan, looking so much worse than yesterday. He was soaked with water making his white shirt cling to his thin body.

''Uhm.. Hi, what are you doing here?'' Phil made his best to not sound offensive. Dan blushed and stared at the floor.

''This - this was a stupid idea, I’m sorry, I’m going to leave'', he almost whispered.

''No no no! Don’t go, please come inside'', Phil smiled. The earlier phone call with Pj came to his mind, but this was different, right? Dan wasn’t completely stranger anymore and he couldn’t just let him go back to the rain.

Dan lifted his gaze and stared at Phil thankfulness in his eyes. ''Thank you so much!''

''No problem. You must be freezing! Do you wanna use the shower?'' Phil asked looking concerned.

''If you don’t mind'', he replies in a quiet voice.

\--

After taking a long hot shower Dan stands in front of a mirror, only towel on his hips. He looks at himself, his torso is littered with bruises and he still has a black eye, which he got from one of his loved bullies, Alex. His wrists are full of old cut marks, his hip bones and ribs are sticking out. He realizes how skinny he actually is, he needs to make something about it.  
He stares at his fucked up body for a while and then decides to put some clothes on. He takes a plain black jumper, black skinny jeans and some random boxers from his bag and dresses up. He takes a final look from the mirror, he notices how curly his hair is. He curses himself because he forgot to take his straightener with him.  
He leaves the bathroom and finds Phil sitting in the kitchen playing something on his phone.

''Thanks for the shower, I appreciate it a lot'', he says quietly not wanting to startle Phil.

Phil turns his attention to Dan, who already looks so much better. ''It’s nothing. Do you want something to eat?''

Dan shakes his head. ''No thanks, I’m not hungry'', he lies. He hasn’t eaten anything since he left home, but he can’t stand the idea of eating right now.

An awkward silence falls after that. Dan doesn’t know what to do. Does Phil want him out of here. What he wants from him. Dan starts to panic, what if he’s just trying to get his trust and then beat the shit out of him and leave him to die in some dumpster. His breathing quickens and Phil notices this. His quickly by the younger boys side.

''Take deep breaths, deep breaths. Do you hear me?'' Dan tries to even out his breathing, but when Phil places his hands on his shoulders his breathing quickens and then he blacks out.

\--

When Dan wakes up all he sees is black. He starts to panic a little bit but when he looks around him he notices a clock which says 2:38am. It’s dark because it’s the middle of the night. He tries to make his surroundings but is disturbed by someone moving next to him, he freezes. He takes a look on his right and sees dark lump under some covers. He backs away from the bed and tries to make his way out of the room without waking the person up. Unfortunately he trips on something and falls to the ground with a large thump. The person stirs a bit and then reaches with his hand to the bedside table and turn on the light.

After his eyes get used to the brightness he notices that the person was Phil, who else it would be. Now he feels himself stupid, but wait, what did Dan do in his bed?

Phil picks up his glasses from the bedside table and looks at Dan on the ground. ''What are you doing there?''

Dan doesn’t even know what to say. He stands up and looks down at himself, he has green pyjama pants that are definitely not his and red Nasa shirt on. How did I get into these clothes?''

Phil blushes deep red and starts to fiddle with the hem of his shirt. ''Well, I changed you into them. You blacked out and I carried to my bed and thought you would be more comfortable without your skinny jeans and thick jumper.''

''Okay, did anything else happen after that?'' Dan asks suspiciously, Phil shakes his head, still refusing to make an eye contact. ''Good'', he mumbles to himself.

''What has happened to you?'' Phil blurts out after a long awkward silence.

''What do you mean by that?'' Dan asks shyly.

''Well, I know you have massive bruises and cut marks on you, you are clearly running away from something or someone'', he pauses, not sure how to continue. ''And why did you come to me, don’t you have your parents or friends to go to?''

Dan shivers at the mention of his parents and Phil notices this. ''You are running away from your parents, are you?'' He asks carefully.

Dan shakes his head violently. ''Please don’t make me to go back to them. You don’t know what they’ve done to me… I’m scared they’ll kill me if I go back'', he whispers the last part tears already rolling down his cheeks.

''I’m not going to make you go back to them, but I want to help you. But I’m going to need to know what’s going on before I can do anything'', Phil says.

Dan stares at him with teary eyes. He has nothing to lose. So he tells him, he tells him everything.


	3. Chapter 3

''I told you so! You are never going to beat me in Mario Kart!'' Dan exclaims.

Phil nudges him in the ribs. ''I never said I would beat you… I just said that I’m pretty good at it'', Phil tries to explain.

After that night when Dan came to Phil door soaked and ended up telling him why he can’t go home or anywhere else, Phil let him stay at him. That was two weeks ago and in that time they have gotten pretty good friends. They had the same interests and really just felt comfortable around each other.

Dan looks at the clock on the wall. ''Oh, it’s quite late already. Half past three in the morning, we should go to bed, what do you think?''

''Yeah, I think so. But I’m pretty hungry so I’m going to get a quick snack before going to bed. Do you want anything?'' Phil asks. He knows that Dan hasn’t eaten almost anything today and is really worried, because he is already so skinny.

''Nah, I’m fine'', he answers. Phil stands up from the floor, where they have been playing for the night, and stretches. He’s about to leave to the kitchen when he turns around and stares at Dan, who is still sitting on the floor, fiddling with the sleeves of his sweater.

''You know you have to eat sometimes?''

''I said I’m fine'', Dan says quietly. Every time Phil has brought up that Dan has to eat, he has tried to ignore Phil and his questions as best as he could.

Phil walks back to him and takes his hand to his and forces Dan to stand up. He begins to walk again to the kitchen dragging the other behind him.

''Sit'', Phil commands and pushes Dan to one of the stools on the breakfast bar. ''I’m going to make a sandwich and we are going to share it.''

Phil makes the sandwich in silence, cuts it in half and places it on plate in front of Dan. He takes his own half and begins to eat it. Dan just stares at his hands.

When Phil finishes his own, Dan hasn’t even looked at his sandwich.

''No hurry, but we are not going to go to bed before you are at least tried to eat that'', it feels like Phil is talking to a child, but he just wants Dan to eat, at least a little bit. Dan just shrugs his shoulders.

''I’m not hungry, I don’t want to eat'', Dan finally raises his gaze and stares Phil straight to his eyes.

''But you have to'', Phil demands. He raises Dans shirt a bit and says ''Look! You are just skin and bones already. Before you know it there won’t be anything…'', he pauses ''There won’t be you'', he whispers the last part, staring to Dans brown eyes sadly.

''Yeah! That would be good, you wouldn’t have to deal with me anymore. That’s what you want, right?!'' Dan snaps.

''No! That’s not right and you know it'', Phil raises his voice a little, but Dan isn’t having any of it.

Dan stands up and comes right in front of Phil, just couple of millimeters more their noses would be touching. Dan was little bit shorter than Phil, but Phil still felt small next to him now.

''Fuck you'', he snarls before heading back to the living room. Phil runs behind him and sees that he picks up his bag and stuffs it with some random clothes from the sofa and floor. He begins to make his way towards the front door.

''What -'', before Phil has a chance to continue Dan interrupts him.

''Don’t even try to follow me!'' And like that he’s gone.

Phil just stares at the door shocked. He has never seen Dan that angry, he hasn’t even seen him angry.

He collapses to the floor. ’''I fucked up, fucked up really good.''

—

The clock is almost eight in the evening and Phil hasn’t heard anything from Dan. Phil couldn’t go to sleep after he left and now he’s just sitting near the front door hoping that Dan would come back.  
He really fucked up, he knows it. He shouldn't have pushed Dan like that, but he’s just so worried about him.

He soon hears someone rustling behind the door. Phil immediately jumps up and stares the door. Only Pj and Dan has keys to his flat and he really hopes that it is Dan. When the door finally opens and Dan appears, Phil doesn’t hesitate and runs to him and hugs him hard.

''Dan, I’m so sorry, so so sorry...'', he sobs to his chest.

Dan still hasn’t said nor done anything when Phil looks up. They just stare at each other for a while. Phil tries to make himself stop crying, but doesn’t really manage to do that. He buries his head to Dan crook of neck.

''I was so stupid, I shouldn’t have pushed you like that. Can you forgive me?’'' He asks.

Dan pushes him off of him and starts to make his way to the living room, but then stops in the middle of the hallway and says in the calmest voice possible: ''It was a really shitty thing to do, you know?''

Phil only nods.

—

Phil is now laying on his bed, watching some random movie he found on Netflix. It has started raining again and this time it was also thundering. The two of them haven’t spoken anything to each other after Dan came back home. Dan stayed at the living room and Phil spent his night in his bedroom.

Soon there was a knock on his door. ''Come in.''

The door opened revealing sobbing Dan. He approached slowly his bed, his hands curled around himself. He sat on the edge of the bed, but didn’t say anything.

''Dan?'' Phil was slightly worried now.

He turned around and launched to Phil, wrapping his arms around him. ''I’m so sorry, so fucking sorry'', he was full on crying now.

''Shh… It’s alright. It was my fault, you don’t have to be sorry'', he tried to soothe him. There was a lightning outside and the boy on his arms jumped. Was he scared of thunder?

''Can I please sleep with you tonight? I don’t wanna be alone'', he asked with a quivering voice.

 

''Of course!'' And the Phil moved his laptop away from his bed and went under the covers lifting one corner of the duvet to Dan. He was right on the opposite edge of the edge and let out a small whimper every time the lightning hit.

After a while Phil decided to move closer and wrap his arm around the other waist and pull him closer. Dan first tensed up but was soon totally relaxed.

When Phil's breathing got heavier and Dan was sure that he was asleep he turned so he was now facing him and whispered, ''Thanks.''

—

Dan wakes up still in Phil's arms, their legs have tangled during the night. He looks up and just watches the beautiful man right in front of him. From the first day he met Phil he has had a some kind of crush on him. And now he was in his arms.

The night when Dan had came to Phil's door soaking wet and ended up telling his whole life story, he left out a pretty big thing, that he was gay. He didn’t know how Phil would react, and he really needed some place to stay and someone to be there with him, so he never told him that and now tries to keep his feelings buried.

After a moment Phil stirs a bit and opens his eyes. Dan blushes and tries to move away from him, but Phil just holds on him tighter.

''Morning'', Phil says with a groggy voice. ''Do you feel any better?''

''Yeah, I’m fine now'', Dan smiles weakly. ''Would you like a coffee?''

''I’d love to'', he answers. Phil looks at the brunette, he now notices that he has dimples. After an awkward silence he notices that he is still holding onto him. He removes his hands around his waist blushing and apologizes him.

''I’m going to make the coffee, come when you’re ready'', Dan says on the way to the kitchen. He leans on the breakfast bar with his hands, letting his head hang. ''If that wasn’t awkward I don’t know what is'', he mumbles to himself.

—

Everything went back to normal after that, kind of. One night when they were laying on Phil's bed watching a movie, Phil offered that Dan could stay at his bed that night, because they both were tired and it would be easier just stay at the bed. And Dan agreed. This started to become a routine so without asking Dan started sleeping on the same bed as Phil.

And there Phil was, staring at the sleeping boy next to him. He swiped Dan’s hair out of his face. Because of this, Dan slowly opened his eyes and looked at those ocean blue eyes.

''You know I really, really like you'', Phil whispered. Dan’s eyes widened and blush creeped to his cheeks.

’'' guess I really like you too'', Dan smiled, shut his eyes again and drifted to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had so much trouble writing this chapter, idk why. But I hope you still like it and I'm so thankful for all the kudos you've given and the lovely comments have made my day!


	4. Chapter 4

When Dan wakes up the next morning, he isn’t quite sure what happened last night. Did it really happen? Did he really admit that he had feelings for Phil. And Phil did the same. But what if he didn’t mean it that way, like he likes him as a friend, nothing more. What if Phil is some homophobic jerk who will kick him out when he realizes that Dan likes him more than a friend. But can’t be like that, right? He’s too precious. 

Dan glances to his right and sees that Phil has already gotten up. Maybe he should act like nothing happened last night. 

He takes his phone from the bedside table and begins to scroll through Tumblr. After a couple of minutes he gets bored and jumps out of the warmth of the bed and makes his way to the kitchen where Phil is already drinking his coffee. His hair is ruffled and he is wearing his glasses. Dan thinks he looks really good with his glasses, but Phil seems to think otherwise. Dan makes himself a coffee and sits next to Phil.

''Morning'', he says while blowing to his coffee mug in attempt to cool it down. Phil turns to face him and smiles.

''Good morning. Did you have any plans today?'' Phil asks.

Dan stares at his coffee. They never really did anything. Dan didn’t want to go outside that often, only couple of times a week they went to get groceries, but that’s it. Dan was scared to go outside, because what if someone from his school saw him or his parents. What his father would do to him, or would he just ignore him. Dan really didn’t want to find out.

''Hmm… I thought it would be nice to spend the day inside'', he says quietly. He raises his gaze to look at Phil.

''Dan, we haven’t been outside in like three days. A little of fresh air won’t kill you, right?'' Phil laughs a little.

''Yeah, I guess so'', he shrugs. ''Let’s just hope for the best'', he says under his breath.

\--

They decided to go for a walk in the park that day. After that they ate a light snack in a cafe. They talked about everything, everything but not about last night. Dan didn’t know how to be with Phil anymore. That was sure that they were still friends, but was there a possibility to come something more. Dans thought were on this subject for the whole day, because of this he had zoned out quite often and Phil had repeatedly asked him if he was okay and he had each time answered that he was even if he wasn’t, but Phil may have noticed this. 

After a long day they headed back home and decided to watch a movie, because they didn’t have anything to do, but neither of them didn’t mind. When the movie was over they both were yawning.

''I think if we don’t go to bed now we’re going to wake up next morning with a sore back, because of the sofa'', Phil laughs.

Dan laughs at that, but then realises that he couldn’t sleep with Phil, not after last night. So he responds shyly, ''Actually, I thought that I should give you your bed back. Like I know it’s better to have the whole bed for yourself. So I’m – I’m just going to sleep on the sofa from now on.''

Phil turns to look at him, puzzled look on his face. ''What? I mean, I’m okay with it if you are, but why so sudden change? Did I make you uncomfortable? I’m so sorry if I did. You know I can sleep on the sofa, you can take the bed, I don’t mind. Oh my… Was it what I told you last night? Oh my god, I’m so sorry. I’m such an idiot.''

''No, it’s nothing you did!'' Dan lied ''Like I said it will be nicer for you to sleep on your own. I don’t mind sleeping on the sofa.''

''Oh… But I want you to be comfortable as well. What do you say if we switch every let’s say week or so?'' Phil asks. 

''If you are okay with it'', Dan answers. He’s little bit shocked that Phil actually remembered last night and he thought that they would have to talk about it soon. 

''I’m okay with it, but I’m just going to sleep now. You know where to find the pillows and stuff'', and then he left. He hurried away and soon Dan heard his door close with a thump.  

Dan collapsed on the sofa. What on earth did he do? Why would he do that? Now for a couple of days things will be awkward, he’s sure of it. He gets up and makes himself a bed on the sofa. 

\--

_Three years ago._

_Dan was coming from school. Last week someone, who he didn’t remember seeing before, came to talk to him at lunch. He thought he was really cool and they had similar interests so maybe they could become friends. He haven’t had friends for a long time now and when this boy came to talk to him, se seemed to forgot all the bad things that were happening at the moment._

_He thought that they were going to his place to play some video games and just hang out, but when turned to a alleyway he didn’t think that it would end well. So soon three of his bullies appeared. Dan panicked and tried to turn around, but his new so called friend stopped him evil grin on his face._

_''_ Did you really think that somebody would be your friend, faggot?'' _He asked._

''Please, you don’t have to do this'' _he whimpered, but already knew what was going to happen._

''Shut up!’'' _One of the trio yelled and soon they were behind him. Someone grabbed his hands and twisted them. Dan winced in pain._

_\--_

_They left Dan lying there in the ground after they were finished. He touched his nose, which was definitely broken. He would get in more trouble at home, because he would come home with a bloody face._

_He tried to get up, but his stomach hurt very bad. Deciding to stay there for a while and that he wouldn’t trust anyone anymore._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everybody! I'm sorry that this chapter is late and a quite short, but school is taking so much of my time at the moment. I have a exam week in two weeks and before that I have to write at least 3 essays and read to the exams. So I think the next chapter is going to come at the beginning of next month, but I hope you understand. But I promise that the chapter will be extra long.  
> And thank you so much for the kudos and the loveliest comments.


	5. Chapter 5

_He carefully opens the front door of his home, steps inside and closes the door hoping for the best. It was already quite late when Dan decided to try go home. His stomach still hurt really bad. He tiptoes to his room, almost making it until he hears his dad shouting his name._

''Yes?''  _He asks quietly, already knowing what’s ahead. His dad comes out of the living room near his bedroom._

_He’s clearly drunk, as always. He’s dad was a police officer, who had a perfect job, nice little house and a beautiful little family, that’s what it seemed to the outsiders. But when looking closely you could see all the flaws in his life. But no one needed to know that his son was a fag and that he hits him almost daily, no one._

''Where have you been?''  _He slurred and stepped closer. ''_ Oh, you’ve gotten beaten up huh?  _He grabbed Dan by the collar of his shirt and pushed him against the wall. His alcohol scented breath made Dan want to gag._

''Answer me!''  _He yelled and pushed Dan up the wall by his neck so he couldn’t touch the floor or breath properly._

''Y–Yes''  _Dan whispers. He had trouble breathing and begged in his mind that his father would be done soon. He didn’t understand why he had to answer, because it was pretty obvious that he had gotten beaten up._

_His father only tightens his fingers around Dan's neck. Soon Dan was gasping air. Dan was trying to grasp on his father's sleeve to make him stop, but he only tightened his fingers even more before dropping him to the floor._

_And just like that he was back to the living room. Dan left on the floor gasping for air._

_\--_

''Morning!'' Dan greets him when he steps to the kitchen. Phil’s little confused about last night. He didn’t understand why Dan had decided that sleeping on the same bed wasn’t okay anymore. But if he didn’t want to sleep on the same bed or tell the reason for that, Phil wasn’t going to push it.

''Morning!'' He greets back while making himself a coffee. ''You seem chipper today.''

''Really? I don’t see any difference'', Dan smiles to him and continues scrolling on his phone.

''I was thinking that I would see my friend, PJ, today. If only that’s okay with you?''

''That’s okay! You don’t have to ask a permission, it’s your life.''

\--

And now when he is sitting on Pj’s sofa, he doesn’t remember why he thought this was a good idea. He got this idea, that explaining his situation with Dan to Pj and on the side mention that he had some kind of feelings for Dan.

''How have you been? We haven’t seen each other since that one night at pub'', Pj breaks the uncomfortable silence. They were sitting on his sofa, sipping coffee that Pj had made.

''I’ve been fine...''  _well that’s half the truth ''_ I’ve become quite good friends with Dan'',  _and now I may have fucked it up._

''Dan? That boy that you picked up from the park?'' Pj asks eyes wide.

''Yeah, that’s him! We’ve had ups and downs, but I think that we are quite good friends now. But I think that I’ve fucked up everything’’ he stops for a moment ‘‘So this one night we were getting to bed and I said –''

''Wait! Hold on a second!'' Pj interrupts. ''Did you sleep on the same bed?''

''Yes, we had done that for a while and –''

''Phil Lester! Since when have you had something up with this boy?'' Pj shouts excited.

''Oh right, I haven’t really explained you about what’s have been going on'', says quietly, blushing a little.

''No shit you haven’t! Now tell me everything'', Pj is now practically jumping on the sofa.

''So… That night when we were at the bar and I picked up Dan, I told you that he was a mess so I couldn’t just let him walk away back to the streets. He has had a rough past, I know that because one night he told me that. I let him stay at my place, because he didn’t have nowhere else to go. And in couple of weeks or so he came to my bed, because it was thundering and he’s scared of that. And it became a habit, that we slept in the same bed. And then I said something that I shouldn’t have, I think. You know he’s really pretty and he’s such an amazing person and I kind of developed a crush on him. So one night I told him that I really like him and he told me the same back. But the next morning he was little bit weird, I didn’t really pay that much attention to it. And then he told me that it would be better if he slept on the sofa and I in my bed.''

''Now I think I have screwed every everything.''

They both are quiet for a while until Pj pipes up. ''Well, have you talked about it with him?''

''No, I haven’t. And I think I couldn’t, it would just ruin our friendship more'', Phil is now holding back tears. He really didn’t want to lose Dan, he really was a amazing person. And where would he go, if their friendship failed? Not back home, that’s for sure.

''I think that you should go home soon and talk with him. Seriously, what could go wrong?'' Pj says calmly.

Phil buries his face in his hands and thinks about it. If he really talked about it with Dan, what could happen. Dan could be okay with it and they would be friends for ever, or even more. Or he could pick his things and vanish out of Phil's life. Yeah, what could go wrong?

''I’m going to call you and tell how it goes'', Phil takes his final sip of the coffee and stoods up.

\--

It was around five o’clock when Phil finally made home. He opens the door and just listens. It’s quiet. Where’s Dan?

''Dan? I came already and I think we should talk a bit'', it’s really strange that Dan doesn’t answer. Is he even here. Phil walks to the living room and finds Dan there sleeping on the sofa. Should he wake him up? If he didn’t Dan wouldn’t sleep at night and his sleeping schedule would be even more fucked up.

Phil nudges him gently and Dan stirs a bit. ''Hey Dan, wake up!''

Dan opens his eyes a little bit and makes a sound that’s like a snarl. Phil nudges him once more until Dan slaps his hand away.

''Let me sleep'', Dan whines.

''If I let you sleep you will be up all night'', Phil says, sitting on the edge of the sofa. He brushes strands of hair out of Dan’s face. The other leans into his touch and Phil feels like his heart is going to explode from his chest.

''Fuck off!'' Dan says and turns to his side, facing away from Phil. Phil giggles a little and begins to pull at the blanket.

''Come on! Get up, I want to talk to you about something'', Phil whines.

''Fine, fine. I’m up now'', Dan sits up at the sofa, allowing to Phil have more space. He yawns and stares at Phil for a while with a puzzled look. ''You wanted to speak about something?''

''Yeah, right. The thing is – I don’t really know how to say this, but I hope that that you won’t hate me or anything and that you wanna be still friends with me after this…''

''Phi stop, you’re trembling'', he was now looking worried.

''Okay, okay… I’m just… Yeah. I seriously like you Dan and when I last said that you said the same back, but I think I made you uncomfortable so you thought that you have to say it back, even if you don’t feel the same way. I don’t really know what I’m trying to say, but you are amazing person and I wouldn’t want to lose you from my life.''

It was dead silent for a while and Phil didn’t have the courage to raise his head to watch Dan’s reaction. That’s it, he had fucked up everything they had and now Dan would just  bag his bags and step out of the door and never look back. Or that’s what he thought until there was a hand on top of his. Phil raised his gaze to look at the watery brown eyes.

''Do you really mean that?'' Dan whispered, tears now rolling down his cheeks.

Phil nodded slowly, he didn’t trust his voice at the moment. And then Dan was lunging towards Phil and wrapping his hands around Phils waist, the boys face on his chest

''Do I really mean you something?'' Dan asked after he his tears has stopped.

Phil pushed him off from his chest and cupped his face with his hands. ''Of course you mean. You mean everything for me. I’ve never had this good friend and we’ve only know each other for couple of months. I was so terrified that I would lose you or something and that’s why I’ve been putting this conversation off for a long time. And I think that says something about how attached I am to you.''

''I’ve never meant anything to anyone, I’ve always been unwanted. You have no idea how much that mean to me'', he swipes tears away from cheek using his grey jumper sleeve. ''And I also really, really like you, spork. I wouldn’t ever just leave you, even if I didn’t feel the same I wouldn’t have left you, because you are all I have.''

Dan is now literally sitting on his lap and for a while they are just staring at each other.

''I really want to kiss you'', Phil breaks the silence with a whisper.

''Then you just have to kiss me'', Dan smirks and leans closer to him.

Phil hesitates for a moment, but then leans closer and closer until his lips touch Dans. He’s in a shock for a second or two, but then draws away from the boy who looks just as shocked until he opens his mouth.

''Was it that bad?'' And they both are giggling now, foreheads pressed together.

\--

_When Dan finally got to his room, he locked the door and put his chair in front of it, like it would stop his dad if he really wanted to come in. He really hated his father, his mother and everybody who made his life like hell. He hated the people in school, the bullies, teachers and the ones who acknowledged it happen, but never made anything. Why would they do anything? They would just get themselves beaten up._

_He hated his life, he hated everything. He could just take too many pills or jump of the bridge nearby, it would end his suffer. But he such a wimp that he couldn’t even do that. He isn’t even good at killing himself._

_He needed to get out of his current life and fast. Because he didn’t know he could survive until he turned eighteen. Either he will kill himself or someone else will do it for him._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it has been a long time and I promised a longer chapter, but this is all I got right now. I'm still super busy and don't really have the time to write. So I wan't you to be patient and leave your kudos and some lovely comments will brighten up day!


	6. Chapter 6

The next morning they wake up in the same bed, legs tangled together. Dan glances at the clock on Phil’s TV. It’s not even six, so he decides to lay in the bed for a while or until Phil wakes up. He runs his fingers through the black mop resting on his chest. Last nights events still feel like a dream. How could someone like Phil like someone like him. The other was perfect in all ways, but Dan wasn’t nothing. He was emotionally and physically wrecked and he had these boring brown eyes and dull brown hair that was curly, which he hated and always straightened it. Phil had these beautiful sky blue eyes, jet black hair and he was just perfect. He must have had a perfect family, friends and a life. Dan didn’t have anything.

He could hear his dad and some of his schoolmates voices in his head saying things like he didn’t deserve anyone, how could someone like him when he was a faggot. He shakes his head to clear his thoughts. No, Phil really liked him, right? What if he doesn’t actually like him and only keeps him close to get advance of him. Or just kick him out when his whining would get too much for him.

These thoughts in mind he drifted back to dreamless dream until he woke up to someone shaking him. It was Phil, he had a tray with him full of pancakes and couple of mugs of coffee. He must have slept for a while since Phil had time to make all of this. It was already almost one in the afternoon and he was glad that Phil had woken up him.

They put the TV on, which had some show on but they ignored it fully and just concentrated on their breakfast. They didn’t talk much, but it wasn’t necessary. They decided to stay inside the day and enjoy the company of each other.

Between the little kisses here and there Dan still wondered did Phil really like him and did he do these sweet things just because he wanted to and doesn’t he think he’s gross or something. Maybe he’s just acting all nice until someday he’s going to throw him into a cell and keep him as a sex slave. No one would notice that if he did it and he knows it. No one would come looking for the scarred boy with curly brown hair.

When he asked Phil, if he really liked him and he just laughed and said that he was still in a sleep.

''Who would even like me? I’m not attractive or smart or anything what you are!'' He tried to keep his voice down. Phil took his hands in his and just stared at the other for a while.

''Have you ever looked at the mirror. You’re the most beautiful human being I’ve ever seen and oh – you’re so smart, you don’t even know! You’re kind, thoughtful and you always care about the others and never about yourself. I’m nothing like that. You are the definition of perfection.''

He didn’t respond to that, because he didn’t know how to. So instead he just stared their conjoined hands. The way they fit perfectly together, almost melding to a one person. Phil was shades lighter than he’s, but that didn’t matter. He followed up the pale arm with his gaze. Phil was all quiet. The arm ended and joined to the body, covered with bright red shirt and soon his eyes found the oh-so-beautiful blue eyes that he had loved from the very first moments he had seen them.

''But…'' He tries to say something against that, but Phil stops him by bringing his lips to his. The kiss started slowly, but eventually got more heated. Dan laced his fingers through the black hair of the other. Phil climbed on top of him and straddled his hips. He knew where this was going, but he wasn’t sure if he really wanted it. He just wished that Phil didn’t get too worked up. Or he would just pretend he was enjoying what they would be doing. Phil slipped his hands under his shirt and started running his hands up and down his chest. They kept kissing until they both needed to breath. Instead of conjoining their lips again Phil started kissing and nibbling his neck.

His neck has always been really sensitive and he really enjoyed what Phil was doing at the moment, but the second his hands dipped lower, to the waistband of his boxers, he froze. Phil noticed this immediately and stopped. Raising his head off of Dan’s neck and hands coming up to to each side of his head. Blue met brown.

''I’m sorry! I moved too fast'', Phil looked genuinely regretful, but maybe he was just a good actor.

''No, no it’s nothing, let’s just continue'', he tried to convince him, but he could already feel the tears in his eyes. He moved his head so he wouldn’t have to watch Phil anymore, he could do this for him, he wasn’t cry baby that cried all the time. ''You can continue. Do what you have to do'', his voice started to quiver.

Phil started to rise off of him. ''Dan? What are you saying? No, I wouldn’t ever take advance of you. You don’t have to do something you don’t want or aren’t ready for.''

He was confused, angry and almost crying at the same time. He moved to see Phil. He looked little bit hurt. Why? ''Phil… Just fuck me already! That’s what you want, right? Fuck me and then dump me on the streets again!'' At this point he was screaming, tears rolling down his cheeks.

''Dan, don’t you understand? I would never do something like that just because I want to. And what are you talking about? Like I have said I really like you and want to have you in my life for as long as possible.'' He spoke in a soothing voice, which seemed to help and my breathing evened out and only couple more tears came.

He lays his hand on Dan’s knee and softly rubbing it.

''I’m sorry I yelled'', he whispers.

''It’s okay. You just freaked out and it’s normal'', Phil's always so positive about evertyhing and now he thinks it’s good like that, because otherwise he maybe wouldn’t have believed that Phil didn’t intent to hurt him.  
  
Dan slowly drops his head to Phil’s chest and relaxes. He was thankful that they didn’t go any further, because he really couldn’t have done that. He’s thankful of Phil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Thanks for your waiting, it has been a while since I last updated. But I'm back with a short chapter, just kind of a filler. But it seems like I'm going to have more time writing from now on so stay tuned!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I came back with super short chapter and this happened? Don't worry this has a happy ending. I'd love to hear what you think of this and leave a kudo as well.  
> There'll be only epilogue and after that this is done. I'm really busy for a while again but don't worry I'll post the last chapter, I promise.

Everything was fine, or so Phil thought. Dan has started eating again. It’s little meals but it’s progress. He also seems finally accepted that Phil isn’t going anywhere and he really likes him. He might even say he loves him.

But no, it’s too early for that. He has finally gotten Dan to trust him and saying he loves him would be too much for him.

They haven’t done much. Just cuddling on the sofa, cuddling on the bed, cooking and they’ve also visited Pj couple of times. He really likes Dan and is happy that they found each other. They haven’t told him about Dan’s past or condition anything and he hasn’t asked about it either. He must have seen how skinny the boy still was and must have seen a peak of his stomach full of scars and few bruises when he has stretched or something but again he has kept his mouth shut.

They were fine. They were happy.

Or so Phil thought but Dan was just skilled of building a shell on himself and pretend. In reality Dan was in a dark place that were somewhere deep. He didn’t know how climb up. He needed help but he didn’t know how to ask. He was a lost cause.

Dan tried to make the last moments of his life as happy as possible with Phil. They cooked together and he even ate some and watched their favorite shows. But in the end of the day when they were in the bed together Phil asleep and he awake. Phil must have noticed his lack of sleep but never said anything about it. And he was glad of that because he didn’t know what to answer if he asked. _Yeah, I can’t sleep because I think how to kill myself_ or _I think about how miserable you’re going to be when I’m gone._

One day when Phil is somewhere with his friends, he tried to get Dan with him but he said that he would get bored with his friends and it would be awkward because he didn’t know anyone, he decided to put on his shoes and take only his phone with him and walk around the town.

He didn’t know where Phil was with his friends but he was glad that he didn’t bump into him. It would be awkward to tell your boyfriend that you’re looking around for the best place to end his life.

He soon found himself on the same bridge that he had been months ago. He remembers how the man had saved his life. He was grateful of that for a moment but then realised that it had only made his life worse, he had to be alive for a longer time.  
So he sat on the edge again and took his phone out and texted Phil a simple short message:

_I’m sorry._

He hit send and put the phone back to his pocket took a deep breath and jumped.

The feeling was liberating. And then it went all black.

The demons in his head were finally gone.


	8. Chapter 8

Phil wakes up to a empty bed as usual. The spot where Dan’s supposed to be laying is cold. He sits up and takes his classes from the bedside table where he had left them the previous night.

Today’s the day when Dan jumped from that bridge. It’s been three years, but he still remembers the day clearly. When he got the text from him he had started panicking and ran straight to home. It was empty.

He had called the police and started looking around near the house, but couldn’t find anything. He felt like everything was falling apart and he didn’t have any tape to put them back together.

Someone had found him on the river nearby. He could never forget that phone call he got from the police.

He walks down the hallway to the kitchen. The first thing he notices is the strong coffee smell. And there he’s standing, back facing him, making breakfast to the both of them. Phil walks silently behind him and wraps his arms around the person’s – who he loved from the ground to the moon – waist earning a high pitched squeak. He nuzzles his face to the other's neck murmuring softly  _ good morning _ .

''Good morning to you too. Now get your cold hands off me and start setting the table'', Dan smacks his hands off with a spatula.

He makes some sound of agreement. It’s too early to actually form words. Taking two plates, glasses and cutlery and placing them to the table has become a habit to him. They agreed some time ago that Dan would make them breakfast so Phil could get some more sleep, because he comes really late from the work.

After setting the table he sits down and watches his beautiful boyfriend making the last pancake and bringing them to the table.

They eat in silence as usual.

''I have something for you before you start putting the dishes away'', he says quietly and brings his hand to the pocket of his pj’s.

Dan has a puzzled face when he stands up, but soon his eyes fill with tears when he gets to one knee and reveals a silver ring with a small diamond on the top.

''Since the day I met you on the park I’ve known that I want to spend rest of my life with you. And exactly three years from the awful day when I found you laying on the hospital bed and being sure that you won’t survive. But you made it, because you’re strong and can survive from anything. So I ask you now, will you Daniel James Howell become my husband?''

At this point the both of them were sobbing like babies. Dan’s nodding his head and I slip the ring to his finger and hug his fiancé.

''I love you.''

''I love you too.''

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it! It's over now. I told you there's a happy ending.   
> Thank you for all the amazing comments and all the kudos that you've left during this odd journey. I had my doubts on this, because I haven't ever written something this long on English, so I'm pretty proud of myself that I got to finish this. If you liked this fic I suggest you to subscribe to me, because I'm 99.9% sure that I'll continue writing. And if you want to follow me on Tumblr or Twitter here's my usernames:   
> TUMBLR – youtubeismybae  
> TWITTER – sacconesugg00


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